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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

You're a Veteran all right...of pissing me off



+++warning, serious amounts of caps lock ahead. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED*+++

WTFUCK man, BoLS has let Mr. Footdar himself, Reece "I'm undefeated" Robbins, write for them AGAIN. Just get it over with and make him a permanent fixture of your site so I can stop reading it and move on with my life.

First go read this PILE OF SHIT if you haven't already done so. Then come back. I'll be waiting**.

Well that was painful. Reading that was about as much fun as sticking my dick into a nest full of angry hornets***.

Let's start at the beginning shall we. I've always found that to be a good place to start. Reece, your title has NOTHING to do with your article. Thank you for giving it the title that you did, though, it gave me a lot to go on in titling my own post.

God, I hope his introduction is better than his title. When I first learned about expository writing, I was told that your introduction should set up the key points you wish to make about your chosen topic (the topic usually being at least mentioned in the title)****. How does Recce's article start? By stating that he's a veteran of course. That's good, it syncs up nicely with his title. Now I'm sure that this article will have a point and be about why I should care that he is a self proclaimed veteran. Too bad that he offers nothing to further develop this declaration of extreme hubris. Instead he launches into his thoughts on adepticon and fails to explain why his "veteran" status has anything to do with that.

Also, while we're discussing the stylistics of expository writing, I feel honor bound to point out that a paragraph should generally consist of three or more sentences.

Reece, I'm afraid you're a little late to the Adepticon party. I stopped caring about what people had to say about the event about two days after it happened. Unless you've got lists or batreps that I haven't seen yet, I don't give two shits about what you've got to say. I've moved on to not caring about future events, like BoLScon. Here's every description that you'll find on this subject in two sentences: 'I've gone to lots of gaming events and found that adepticon was one of them. It was a very well run affair where I got to meet lots of people, participate in a several gaming events, and eat overpriced, stale nachos.' Thanks gaming community! Way to add value to my life. I am a little pissed that I didn't go there myself, but finances were looking a little grim at the time If only I'd known about the unholy magnitude of my tax return back then*****. I would have enjoyed going to play some games, have them filmed, get accused of cheating, get forced to wear a scarlet C on my chest, eat stale nachos, and spend money on gaming shit I don't need. Well maybe next year... maybe.

Reece goes on to pontificate on such important and insightful matters as- 'I enjoyed my hotel. It was fairly price and I could sleep there.' He also says that even though he missed the sign up deadline for the tournament he doesn't regret spending all the time and money to get there from California. Well bully for you and your ability to frivolously spend disposable income. In his defense though, he has a problem that I've got- a scattered gaming group. By attending Adepticon he was able to reconnect with some of them, which is nice. Almost makes my black heart turn all warm and fuzzy, with thoughts of the copious bro hugs and respeck knuckles being cast about.

To conclude his article about being a veteran- that is really just a report about his experiences at Adepticon- he writes about using his footdar in a friendly game- THAT HE FUCKING LOST. To a fucking DUAL LASH LIST, which hasn't been competitive since 2008ish. Let's see what the Omnipotent Mr. Robbins had to say about how he would fair against the lash a month ago:

Looks like he cracked when put under the lash (I couldn't resist). So in addition to disproving that you are undefeated, as you claimed while waving your dick around here, you also show that you got your ass handed to you by a marginal list that you theorized you'd have no problem with. Well met, good sir. Well I hope you at least learned something about why foot Eldar is a bad idea. Oh, you just blame your dice, nice. I'll be sure to check that off your sportsmanship scores then :)
Lash gets shut down by Eldrad, and isn't that big of a deal anyway when I
play it.


=================================================
*I said that last part loud so you know I'm for serious.
**Although I may go heat up some lunch, there is the left over Dum Aloo that I made last night to be had, after all- mmmmmm curry. Just YELL if I'm not back yet.
***Full disclosure: I have never done this. I will never make false claims about my accomplishments, unlike a certain editorial writer that may or may not be the subject of this post. Aww hell, why be coy about it, he is the subject.
****If remember way back, I think a hamburger was used as an analogy-USA USA USA. the buns are your intro and conclusion while the patty and fixins are the body of your work that are hinted at in the buns.
*****I don't want to brag about this, but it seriously helps me out. Most of you are aware that I don't have a job, after all. But getting a tax return that is over 3x bigger than expected is awesome. I can now pay my mortgage for another 7 months, with or without employment, although I am thinking about cashing it out for loose change and turning my guest bedroom into a Scrooge McDuck money pool.

13 comments:

The Lord of Excess said...

I just let off a massive rant against the BoLS douchebaggery as well ... its destroying the GW hobby!! Why ... why ... why does GW seem to gleefully condone this crap??? Someone needs to cease and desist the BoLS site (come on GW lawyers!! Where are your might letters o' doom!!).

Dverning said...

Thanks, I want those 5 minutes of my life back. That article was one of the most inane, pointless things I've ever read.

Though I was glad to see his Footdar got beat down. I still want to kick him in the nuts for that last article...

Chumbalaya said...

I didn't see much at fault with it really. The first line about "I'm a Vet cuz I went to Adepticon" was silly and the almighty footdar losing to Lash was hilarious, but that's about it. Blaming the dice was a nice touch too.

Vacuous yes, but nothing as hilariously stupid as "undefeated footdar ftw". If he's going to keep writing, I'd rather more like this.

Hoagy said...

Was I the only one that noticed your one sentence paragraph, Mr Colin? :)

Dethtron said...

@Hoags- <@;)

Justin said...

I would say the guys is intentionally writing this crap, but that would be giving him too much credit.

And by the way, F--- GW, because I still haven't gotten my BA pre-order stuff to include the codex. There, I had to get that out of my system.

Kirby said...

Pie justin?

I do like his little tidbit at the end.

First two articles: I are 1337! and never be beaten *chest thump*

Last tiny bit of third article: Oh ya lash beat me. My dice sucked.

kennedy said...

Dethtron, I think I love you. If I wasn't a dude, I'd try to marry you.

You make it so I don't have to express my rage at the stupid myself. You vicariously express the anger for me. Good therapy, dude, good therapy.

The_King_Elessar said...

What Kennedy said. Kennedy from Buffy was fucking hot...I wish you were that Kennedy. And real. And had a picture/video. I'll stop now.

Dethtron said...

@Justin: if you go back through the Dick Move archives, you'll find another article about Reece in which I postulate that he is, in fact, a genius. He is executing a textbook misinformation campaign to increase his own chances of winning in a competitive event ;) good luck getting your shit from GW anyway. I keep hearing about all these horrible instock issues lately- the latest WD, assorted BA stuff, deathleaper, and hive guard. No es bueno. Also, you don't have to type things like f--- around these parts :) it's ok to say fart here ;)

DFM said...

And I shall Say Flatulence many times.

Counting on GW to mail you things has never gone well for me in the past. Time wise that is.

"hi, I ordered a box of Devastators and they just arrived."
"yes, was there a problem with them?"
"Well, I'll ask this question first. Have the devastators been recast to look like chaos raptors?"
"no, they look like space marines with big weapons"
"then yes, there is a problem with them. you sent me chaos raptors..."

or the time they sent me box 1 of the BT army deal twice and box 2 zero times. "ooh look, another rhino!"

The_King_Elessar said...

Hey, if you get free stuff out of it, what's not to like? That's one thing GW is very good for, IME.

Brother Loring said...

Absolutely superb! Laughed my little socks off! And no little sock doesn't mean little ....!

That final paragraph was just the best!

Keep 'em coming!

And remember guys, it's not the list or the general, it's the dice deserting you!