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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

No, seriously someone made a character named Commissar Fuklaw

For today's dick move I wanted to bring you guys something truly outrageous. Luckily, Sgt. Carmine over at "Boot Camp" has provided us with the whirling ball of pure insanity that he has named Commissar Fuklaw in this here thread.

First off, what the hell is up with this name. Not clever, not funny, and not Bob Loblaw.

For 150 points, Carmine gives us a character capable of pulling off some truly inhuman feats and comes with a dizzying array of special rules. Let's take a peek at his stat line real quick.

Pts WS BS S T W I A L Sv
150 5 4 4 4 3 4 4 10 4+

BEEFCAKE!!!- sweet Jesus, S4 and 4 wounds. Seriously this unaugmented human has the same number of wounds as Marneus Calgar. Shit, this guy must be built like William "the refrigerator" Perry*...oh wait....there's a picture...and he's not...fuck.

Well, this is already looking pretty insane, how's about we take a look at this Übermensch's special rules.

Stubborn, Execution, & Aura of Discipline, Summary

Wait, he doesn't have a single one of those. Worst Commissar ever**.


Commissar Fuklaw, and any unit he is attached to, always hit on 3+, despit the joined units initial Ballistic or Weapon Skill.
Umm, this is cool, I guess. Not sure what exactly this has to do with heresy, but this alone doesn't make him overpowered. Put him in a big infantry blob and hilarity ensues.


If two opposing armies include Commissar Fuklaw, those models, and the units they are attached to, must, if able, move to get into close combat with each other. Neither unit will retreat until one of Commissar Fuklaws (who is obviously an impostor) is killed.
Holy balls, this presumes that someone else is going to be using your same shitty homebrewed character. Not too likely. Also, good luck ironing out all of the rules holes this will open up. Just in case getting a consensus on how "Rage" works wasn't hard enough, here's something even more insane.

Cover is for ********!
Commissar Fuklaw has no stomach for cowardly tactics such as ducking behind cover. He, and any unit he is attached to, are never allowed to take cover saves.

I think that ******* translates roughly into people who like winning. Seriously, you're willing to pay 150 points for a dude who runs around in carapace armor and his flak armored buddies to not get cover. Well, maybe I don't want him in that big infantry blob after all.

Drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword
Before deployment commences, Commissar Fuklaw may commandeer any non-walker vehicle, even those that normally do not transport models. The original owners, if any, will have to walk. As long as Fuklaw is on board, the vehicle uses his profile for ranged and close combat, and must move at least 6" towards the closest enemy unit during its movement phase and attack in close combat if able. If commandeering a normally non-transport unit, Fuklaw cannot accompany a unit, and cannot disembark unless the vehicle is destroyed.

Admittedly, this is pretty fucking funny (especially if you recall that pic from yesterdays BoLS abortion). Way too many holes in this poorly written rule though. Is he giving tanks close combat attacks? The rules sort of imply it, but don't explain how that might work. Is he giving this vehicle "rage." Ugh, again with this shit. What's this with the "owners...will have to walk" business, anyway? Do you put those models on the table? How many of them are there? What are their stats? Did they leave Fuklaw a present on the drivers seat? I love it when a rule opens more questions than it answers.

Paranoid Prosecution
Such is Commissar Fuklaw's paranoia, that he sees signs of heresy everywhere - especially among his own unit. When joining a unit (including vehicles), Commissar Fuklaw executes any heretics within it by making 4 attacks with his Chainsword against it. As per **** Heresy! rule, these attacks hit on 3+.

Wait, so he kills his own troops....for no reason. Well, those who've played against me know about my penchant for killing my own troops (it's their own damn fault if they get in the way of my blast templates), and I've been known to "take risks" with my own troopers lives. This, however, is insanity. Even more insane if you give him that power fist in his options. Sweet I just automatically killed 2.22 of my own dudes just by joining a unit, no saves allowed! Does he do this if he starts the game in a unit? Maybe he's not going in that infantry blob after all. Where should I put him? In a tank? Shit, I forgot that I have no idea how that actually works.

Sort of makes sense, but I think that if I were in his unit, I would be afraid of a chainsword in my back, and would run at the first opportunity. Probably should be replaced with "stubborn."

Well there you have it. This is what happens when you try to design a character but don't think about how it fits into the game mechanics or its own fluff. Normally this creates a super powerful "look how awesome my homemade guy is" unit, but in this case we get someone who is so all over the place, that I don't even think I can say if it's over or underpowered. It's just fucked up.

*Enjoy it while it lasts, this is probably the only time you will ever see me display anything resembling sports knowledge. Good thing it dates back all the way to 1986.

** Not entirely true, everyone knows that this is the worst Kommissar ever.


John Laubersheimer said...

Looks like he's copypasting rules from the inside joke land of 1d4chan.

You all just go ahead and enjoy this:


Chumbalaya said...

Seriously dude, lurk moar :P

Dethtron said...

Chumbalaya: man, i'm not sure exactly who that was directed at, but if you have come here expecting me or my friends not to be lurking creepers, then you may be sorely disappointed <@;) I'd also like to point out that I may have to steal your comment for use as my mission statement. it sums it up nicely :D

Laubersheimer: nice find. you are like an internet detective-ninja. 10 internets to you and you are crowned king of the internets for the rest of today.

John Laubersheimer said...


Dethtron said...

man Lauby, I'll be extending your King of the internets privelages to tomorrow as well

Kirby said...


Angry marines <3

IIRC the same guy made up a huge paint filled post (with fluff) about them 3ish years back. I'm sure if you search relic forums you can find it. An amusing read if you do.

Anonymous said...

Lurk moar - Fuklaw is awesome.

Anonymous said...

Way to shoot yourself in the leg there, son. We all no whining on 4chan (or related things) is like pissing in a sea of piss.

May i suggest you google shit before you go on rants about it so that this wont happen again.

You not knowing who Fuklaw is is just plain embarrassing for everyone involved.

Anonymous said...

Me again.

Giving BoLS cred for a picture that has been bouncing around the Internet for many years is also a sign you need to "lurk the fuck moar".

Laup said...

wow, someone's got a corncob up the ass...