Failotaurs

Being someone who has always wanted to believe that one day the dark gods may get a codex or army book that works, I was super excited to see how well done the new Beastmen book is. I also got super pumped about checking out some superbly crafted new minis. In a time that has given us some of the best miniatures ever released by Games Workshop, I am majorly disappointed by a few of the new Beastmen minis, especially the Minotaur. That piece of shit Aly Morrison bug-eyed Razorgor piece of shit is a close second in awfulness, though. The new gors, on the other hand, are pretty good looking.

Think about the quality of stuff we've been getting from them lately, all the shit in Space Hulk was top notch. The new tyranids all look great. Skaven minis were solid. The forthcoming Blood Angels releases caused a spontaneous release in my pants. Dynamic poses, great details, and stuff that usually even fits together correctly all around. Basically a vast improvement over some of the older kits. Now take a closer look at the new minotaurs. Take a real close look. What the hell is going on with these guys?

Beyond the fact that the poses are blocky and uninspired and that the joints around the arms look to be clearly visible when assembled, the muscles on these guys are all kinds of jacked up. What happened here? Especially since, according to sculptor Mark Harrison, the "Greek Minotaur was very much all man apart from the head...and we took that as our cue" (US WD361 p. 25). The only thing these guys have in common with people is that they're bipedal. So they're buff, I get it. Maybe that warrants more than a regular six pack, but these guys are each sporting like a 30 case of Keystone that somehow extends all the way up to their chesticles. Blech. Unfortunately, things only get worse below the belt. Take a look at those legs. I did, and I got confused about how those muscles work. I even showed my girlfriend, a podiatrist who is quite familiar with below the knee anatomy, and all she could say was "that's just not right." The muscles are all at the wrong angles and seem to wrap around the legs like a barber poll.

Don't believe me, check them out here.

But Dethtron, that's just a bad, over-shaded paint job that overemphasizes the muscles! Bull-fucking-shit! They clearly used their own washes to shade these guys. I know from experience that those take several coats and a very deep recess to get a color that deep. Therefore, all that awful detail is sculpted into those minis very very deeply.

Here's to hoping that one day the planets will align and we'll get a chaos release with a functional army list and phenomenal miniatures.