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Tuesday, August 10, 2010

News Flash: White Dwarf Still Sucks

Time for my shameful admission: I have a White Dwarf subscription.  Worse yet, they conned me into getting it at a GW store, so I don't even get it mailed to me.  I have to hop in the car to pick up a freaking magazine that is barely worth the paper it's printed on. 

It's bad enough that the tactics articles are garbage, the news articles can't keep up with the speed of Internet data (which has yet to eclipse the speed of light, but it's coming...suck on that physics), and I'm basically paying $10 a month for a freaking catalog, but now they have started offering awful painting Q&A.  Over the years the painting tutorials have gotten exponentially better.  They actually show steps and techniques in full detail without skipping things like they used to.  So no more step 1) base your tank step 2) drybrush your tank step 3)???? step 4) 'eavy metal quality.  In all honesty the painting articles have still been really good, but they've added an "advice" column called "Ask 'Eavy Metal" where you can write them for painting advice.  In a word, their advice is horribad.  This apparently targets people who don't have an Internet connection or haven't figured out that there are shit loads of good tutorials on most aspects of painting out there and have no problem waiting months for their answers to be published.  Wait, so who is there target market on this?  Oh well, maybe it's like Penthouse where all the testimonials and questions are just made up.  Dear White Dwarf forum:.........

Don't believe me?  Not likely given that you all probably know how bad WD has gotten, but here's an example.  A poor reader, or editor drafted to make up questions, wrote in asking what the best way to seal miniatures for gaming but retaining paint integrity would be.  You know, protect shit from the rigors of gaming.  Easy enough question to answer, but here's what the jaw-droppingly bad reply from the 'eavy metal team in US White Dwarf #367 page 103:


Kornel:  It might surprise you to learn that we don't generally varnish our models...since they're display pieces first and foremost.  When you varnish a miniature, no matter how carefully, you risk muting the colours, diminishing the highlights or masking the effects you've created.  So, we paint our models to get the effect that we want and then trust everyone else in the studio not to damage them.  It means we've got to keep an open mind to repairing chipped models, but it's the only way to keep the paint exactly how we want it. 

Keith:  Kornel's hit the nail on the head with his answer, but if you're a keen gamer your metal models...won't last long without some help.  Probably the best technique is to varnish the  miniatures with purity seal, which has a matte finish.  For extra protection you could even use gloss varnish first and then spray on purity seal over that to dull down the gloss finish.  Of course, if you want shiny patches... then you'll have to re-gloss those by hand afterwards.

So Kornel, you are a complete dipshit for failing to even address the question at hand.  Keith, you're almost as bad for failing to provide any useful information and failing to recommend ardcoat, a GW product, for hand varnishing those "shiny patches."  Your marketing department is cursing you as we speak.  No good discussion about sealing miniatures should pass up the opportunity to discuss how finicky spray varnish is with humidity.  You would also want to address techniques to prevent getting fuzzy varnish like holding your can upside down and spraying until nothing comes out to clear the nozzle and prevent shit from drying out and getting sprayed onto your next batch of minis- also advisable for your primer.  Hell you could have even mentioned that matte varnish is especially hard on metallics, but you can spruce them up by doing ink washes after your sealer or brushing a gloss varnish (I use vallejo- because dropper bottles fucking rule) over them to spruce them back up. 

Thanks for nothing 'eavy metal.  Maybe it's time to change your magazine's name to "Black Hole."

7 comments:

Brent said...

Maybe you can get the minions to compete for the best 'painting advice' question to send in.

"Dear GW... I'm lovingly painting the nipples on all my old Daemonette models. What recipe can you recommend for realism. Go slowly..."

Sorrowshard said...

Lol , White dwarf is indeed glorified luxury emergency toilet paper.

The whole Varnish /spray/undercoat thing is HUGE it can wreck or create HOURS of work, the least GW could do is pull their finger out and give some quality advice.... yeah right who are we trying to kid.

FYI most important rule , dont buy GW products, their spray black is the Jizz of satan and will make you cry like jail sex.

testors for spray and hand matt and vellejo for gloss , because those droppers give me a nerd-on

I wish White dwarf was the hobby wank-mag it used to be now its just one of those big catalogues with a few pages of ladies underwear .....

good article and some good points , anyone who buys WD should be sterilised to protect the gene-pool from their stupidity......

Rant off

Lauby said...

Reading WD for any kind of advice is a lot like masturbating to the bra section of Sears catalog necause you don't know about internet porn yet. Or because you like having something to do on the crapper.

Alex said...

I buy the occasional WD to read on the can and that's about it. Anyone remember way back when they used to put shit in there like the Ork Bar Room Brawl game? Those were the days, sigh

Hoagy said...

I have to say, I don't think that the 'Eavy Metal articles are still that great. I'm not too sure if its shit proof reading, or editing or whoever decides which picture goes with which step of the painting procedure, but there have been some great cock ups lately. For example, if you have the issue from the end of last year when the new Space Wolves made their debut, check out the 'how to paint Space Wolves' section. When I was reading the steps, I had to re-read them, because I was looking at the pics that went with them, and I was like 'waaaaait a second, thats a basecoat in that picture, not a highlight! and there is obviously a wash on it here, but nowhere here does it mention a wash...???' so its still got a ways to go. Admittedly its not as chunder-inducing as some of the mid 90s balls-ups, but sheesh!

Tinkling Koala said...

You've no one to blame but yourself for encouraging them. If you've seen all the pictures then just wipe your poo on that shit.

I honestly can't think of a single thing I still by at a GW store. It's your fault for letting them con you into driving to their store every month to pick up paper brain-rape for $10 a month.

The_King_Elessar said...

Lauby - there's nothing to stop you taking a Laptop to the bathroom with you... :/